Resumes, References, and Testing only go so far. Do the coding live or it didn’t happen.
Fact #2422: The Toha Can’t Get It Wrong 5 Time in a Row
20% of the time, it works all the time…
Tohaism #1012: 7 Crossings
After the 7th crossing, we can consider building a bridge. Till then, we use the ferry.
Fact #715: The Toha subsists on protein and updates
His appetite for protein is finite, but his taste for updates insatiable.
Fact #1032: The Toha has Martinoia
The Toha is gifted with a 13th sense, beyond the previously identified 12 Toha Senses, which provides a tingling sensation when something is “off” with servers, network traffic, or billing processes. This sense has been dubbed “Martinoia” and is recognized as a core corporate asset.
Fact #322: The Toha dunno.
Give him 10 minutes, and he will be well versed. Give him a day, he will be a foremost expert. In the meantime, he dunno.
Fact #424: The Toha expects every solution to fix exactly 1 more problem than it creates
Solutions are all about tipping the balance a single degree to the favor of the solution over the new problems every solution inevitably brings.
Fact #126: The Toha needs more columns…
Like Roman architecture, the more columns it has the better.
Fact #1202: The Toha is all about the MBTI
No matter where you come from or what you have done, if it ain’t in the MBTI, it didn’t happen.
Fact #1158: The Toha is Damn Good*
*Citation Needed
This has been independently validated by no less authority than The Toha.
Fact #1031: The Toha abhors whole numbers and 0’s.
Their inherent statistical improbability makes them suspect at best, and most likely wrong.
Fact #610: The Toha is an amateur blip breeder
Start with two small blips, those grow up, mate, and produce a litter of new small blips
Fact #216: The Toha will go to any length for a good joke.
Forgery? Violence? Terrorism? Laws, morals, and good taste should never interfere with the laughs that can be had at the expense of others.
Fact #201: The Toha is guided by TheToha.com
When The Toha doesn’t know what to do, he consults his greatest mentor: TheToha.com
Fact #429: The Toha has a black belt in F5…
His command of the power of the F5 is refreshing.
Fact #529: The Toha is a dataeologist…
Like an archaeologist, The Toha finds archaic mounds of data and slowly, systematically sifts through each cubic foot until he finds priceless treasure.
Fact #294: The Toha is soothed by the numbers…
They love him in a way no man ever has, and no man ever could.
Fact #916: The Toha is far less powerful than the combined opinion
Definition: Passionapathy
Unbridled passion without excess commitment.
“The Toha has great passionapathy for this new SAN solution that could double our capacity, and is thus willing to discard it as a bad fit for the organization even after spending dollars and hours on the implementation.”
Fact #103: The Toha has all the milk he needs…
Steak, steak is value.
Tohaism #1213: You can’t put a price on a chuckle.
At least, not a monetary price. You can trade some good injuries for one, though.
Tohaism #1129: It’s better not done than half done.
When it’s not done, people have it on action lists, people ask about it, people champion it. When it’s half done, people make assumptions about what is done, and it never gets completed.
Fact #1122: The Toha doesn’t bluff
If he says he has pocket aces, he is probably understating.
Fact #910: The Toha does it live…
Testing, staging, and practice are all for the indecisive. The Toha does it live and does it right the first time, every time. Or sometimes the second time. Or third.
Definition: Martinize
To remove the stupidity from a concept or process.
“Hey, Steve, this report sucks. Can you Martinize it to make the data readable and relevant?”
Fact #307: The Toha prefers TohApproach
to “martinator”.
Fact #824: The Toha speaks many dialects…
including sarcasm, banter, cynicism, derision, optimism, satire, and irony.
Tohaism #218: It’s not urgent until it’s EMERGENt.
There are two kinds of work: Emergency work and wastes of time. If it’s not an emergency, it’s the other kind.
Fact #453: The Toha is an optimist…
He is positive you will screw this up, and is excited to see how.
Fact #351: The Toha is not upgrading.
No matter what MS promises, 75% of .Net versions are no longer supported. Classic ASP is forever.
Fact #273: The Toha doesn’t take no for an answer.
He doesn’t even take it for a suggestion. He will accept: yes; yes, sir; absolutely; and I’m right on top of that, Rose.
Fact #29: The Toha knows how PayPal works.
Magic.
Fact #82: The Toha is all talk
And sunshine. And happiness. But mostly just the talk.
Definition: Martinality
Somewhere between all of the possible realities and the perception of the unenlightened is the magical zone of Martinality. Martinality is all about making the improbable possible and the possible divine.
Fact #169: The Toha does the work of 1,000 Johns
and has the receipts to prove it.
Fact #191: The Toha gets it.
All of it.
Fact #18: When The Toha speaks, it is gold.
Suspend your disbelief and believe what he says, until he says otherwise.
Tohaism #148: Ideas must be conveyed in 7 words…
otherwise, the audience will be lost.
Fact #148: The Toha can process up to 21 syllables…
after that, he is lost. You get seven words, 3 syllables or less, to make your case.
Tohaism #238: There is no baby in the bathwater.
Just throw it out, there is nothing beautiful about old bathwater.
Tohaism #173: If you fixed something, you broke something.
Keep looking till you find it. Then fix it. Then repeat.
Tohaism #157: Make it harder to do it wrong…
And people will do it right. It’s in everyone’s nature to choose the path of least resistance. By making the right way the easy way, more things will be done right.
Tohaism 391: Any system will be perfect…
the day after it is no longer important.
Importance is the natural enemy of perfection.
Definition: The Martinym
Martinym: The first three letters Martin thought of to define a small project that would never grow. Three years ago. Before it became the dominant offering of the company.
Fact #611: The Toha is now the world’s most eligible bachelor.
With the news that Orlando Bloom is engaged , The Toha is all that is left. He’s no elf, but some do associate him with the fairy world. One at a time, ladies.
Tohaism #413: Failure is always an option.
Sometimes, of the remaining options, failure is the best.
Fact #632 The Toha is dead.
Like disco and Heath Ledger.
Please leave comments, condolences, and congratulations below.
Fact #314: The Toha is on a diet, and anyone who doesn’t respect it should be punished.
Eating bread in the presence of The Toha amounts to a misdemeanor. Ordering Chinese takeout is a felony punishable by death and dismemberment.
Fact #81: The Toha acknowledges no browser outside of Internet Explorer.
If you think you know of another browser, then you don’t know The Toha.
Rule #17: The Toha is always in on the joke.
Inside joke? Outside joke? All jokes are belong to The Toha.
Fact #922: The Toha resides in TinaTopia
TinaTopia is the magical land where any problem can be solved by a fairy princess named Tina.
Fact #251: The Toha declares the day begun at the crack of dawn.
Dawn does not crack until The Toha has signed on to the galactic server.
Fact #17: The Toha is a machine.
He creates new machines in his likeness. He is like skynet, but without the stupid John Conner interference.
Rumor #26: The Toha is the reincarnation of Steven Wright
This was recently a topic on coast to coast am.
Fact #149: Porn watches The Toha
Sometimes it pays, sometimes it finds mini-clips and low res pics for free, but it always watches.
Fact #131: The Toha prays to the almighty F5.
It cleanses and refreshes.
Fact #84: The Toha firmly believes the year is 2002
We have just recently dodged the Y2k bullet, Microsoft never came out with the atrocities of .Net and Office 2008, and Linux is the choice of hippies and beatniks who will never make it in the real world of business.
Fact #67: The Toha LOVES any server technology available.
As long as Microsoft makes it.
Fact #129: The Toha does not fight cholesterol.
Cholesterol has been known to take pills to fight The Toha.
Fact #137: The Toha must travel to maintain security.
The Toha does not remain stationary for more than 72 hours, ever. When traveling he uses disposable wifi and cellular broadband access to prevent being tracked, never using the same connection for more than 24 hours.
Fact #293: The Toha has been offered interviews at every major callcenter in America.
He walks in, and they say, “Are you here to apply for a job? Wearing that?”
Fact #173: The Toha has a name for his computer.
But it can’t be pronounced in any spoken language, it can only be conveyed telepathically.
Fact #198: The Toha is a senior member of the FGC.
Federal God Council is a little-known agency of the federal government tasked with overseeing the behavior of gods. It is through this agency that enforcement action preventing turning women into spiders and liability limitations for failure to dip heels came into practice.
Fact #8: The Toha is awesome.
He schedules at least ten minutes into every morning to remind himself how awesome he is, before venturing into the world to share his awesomeness with the undeserving.
Fact #87: The Toha is a master of trick answers.
The questions are straight forward, the answers are ambiguous, and you are wrong. Accept it now.
Fact #219: The Toha can cook pizza, New York Style, with his mind.
Remotely, using only a cell phone.
Fact #8: The Toha knows how many jellybeans are in the jar.
Every jar. Ever.
Fact #18: The Toha uses an arbitrary mix of malevolence and benevolence to inspire mortals.
Sometimes he buys you a house, sometimes he smashes it with a giant boulder. In both cases, your belief in him will grow.
Fact #98: The Toha is Droll.
As testified by those who alleged to have basked directly in the sunshine of his greatness.
Fact #79: The Toha is aggressively passive.
Fiercely aggressive. Ly passive.
Fact #219: The Toha is lucky he is still sane after all he’s been through.
And his fans write him letters, they tell him he’s great.
Tohaism #197: If you can graph it, you can manage it.
CPU? Memory? Disk Space? Put it on a graph and it’s as good as fixed.
Fact #122: The Toha is never wrong.
Should such a series of occurrences happen to give the impression The Toha was wrong, reality will be adjusted to correct the error.
Fact #394: The Toha employees more crack teams than any other organization.
Teams of investigators that swing into action at the slightest hint of trouble, and begin immediately working on filling out requisition forms so that they can procure time to begin researching the issues that cause problems that affect you, the customer. Real teams, Real crack.
Tohaism #3: Progress is our product.
Our only product.
Fact #39: 1280 x 800 resolution was developed by the government specifically for The Toha.
It’s now standard on Lenovo Thinkpads. Think about it.
Fact #38: The Toha has super-high-definition vision.
His vision has been known to detect a variance of as little as one pixel in a white on white picture at 1280 x 800 resolution with the noon sun glaring off of his screen.
Fact #182″ The Toha once ate a slice of bread. With Jam.
Just kidding, The Toha has never consumed a carb.
Tohaism #174: There are three kinds of people.
Those who have been fired, those close to being fired, and those who aren’t worth hiring.
Tohaism #128: If there is no wait, it’s not worth eating there.
If you can just get a table with no wait and no reservation, then there is a taste of desperation in the food and the service. Standing in line properly prepares the palate for a true dining experience.
Tohaism #343: Stupid never quits. It must be nurtured; then fired.
Sometimes metaphorically, sometimes in a kiln.
Tohaism #342: There is no cure for stupid.
You can ignore it, you can obfuscate it, but no matter how much time and money you throw at stupid, it will still be stupid.
Fact #217: The Toha is the first known case of swine flu being transmitted to a technical device.
On or about September 4, 2009, The Toha gave swine flu to a mifi 2200 device. The device was pronounced dead on September 16, 2009 from related complications.
Witness The Birth Of History!
You are beholden to the dawn of an new era… the Era of The Toha. You will marvel at his exploits, cower at his ferocity, shed your clothing at his merest suggestion… for He is The Toha.